How your thoughts are killing her trust, respect, and love for you.
Recently a Mentoring Men community member posted that he was beginning to understand the power of High Positive Regard (HSP) and how it can “change another person”.
After being separated from his wife for several months and discovering a renewed sense of independence, he was beginning to let go of resentment, bitterness, and anger from past relationship hurts and disappointments.
In his post he mentioned how seeing her without resentment is helping him to recognize that she is “too special to walk away from”, which begs the questions, what is high positive regard, can it change another person, and is there such a thing a “too much” high positive regard?
What follows are insights from my own personal story and my advice to him as a man who has been where he is, along with answers to each of these proposed questions.
If anything I say below resonates with you, let’s set up a time to talk more about your specific situation and how “Happy Man High Positive Regard” can improve your relationship with your wife or girlfriend.
Firstly, My Reply
Congrats brother! It sounds like you are experiencing those ah-ha moments we all strive for. Keep going brother, there’s lots more to come.
I remember having my own moments of clarity when both my wife and I recognized, shared, and dropped the projections we were putting on each other.
She thought I was going to provide her identity, happiness, and fulfillment by being a rich husband that would allow her to be a socialite in the community, live in a big house by the lake, and drive a cute little convertible BMW.
I thought she was going to provide me with identity, happiness, and fulfillment by being a strong life partner who I could build an empire with and who would meet all my needs, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.
Because of this work, we both realized we were seeing each other through distorted lenses and it wasn’t until we dropped those projections that we could actually see the person standing in front of us.
It’s a hard thing to be married 20 plus years only to realize that you haven’t fully been seeing each other or yourself clearly. Once you do, then you get to make the choice to unconditionally love, appreciate, and continue walking with the person before you or not.
What I hear in your words is the seed of understanding that you are simply two human beings with hopes, dreams, fears and insecurities who choose each other every day. No more, no less.
Neither of you is responsible for the others happiness or their wholeness as a person.
High positive regard is a powerful tool for letting go of the past and being able to see what is actually standing right in front of us.
Just be sure that while you focus your mind on the positive attributes of her being you don’t inadvertently place her on a pedestal.
She might like the new found attention at first, but if your well-being is attached to her reaction to your admiration, she will eventually resent the pressure and you will feel resentful once again.
It’s not until we own our independence, take responsibility for our happiness, and stop asking her to be our source of well-being that we can fully love her without needing anything from her.
No one is our “soulmate”, or “the one”, or that person that “completes us”. That’s too heavy a burden to place on someone we profess to care about, especially when their reward for trying to please us is feeling our disappointment, disapproval, and disconnection.
So, what is high positive regard, can it change your wife or girlfriend, and can there be too much of a good thing?
What is high positive regard?
High positive regard is the conscious choice to focus on what you admire, appreciate, or love about your wife or girlfriend, rather than allowing your thoughts to be dominated by resentment, bitterness, and anger.
It’s being happy to see her when she walks in the room. It’s about remembering why you want to spend time with her and invite her into your life in the first place.
Can high positive regard change another person?
Yes! No! Well, not directly. Let me explain.
Women are like earth quake meters in that they are finely tuned instruments that pick up on even the slightest tremors.
Our smallest thoughts and emotional vibrations are felt by her and because she is very keen to ensure her physical safety, she picks up on our slightest negative mindset.
She doesn’t always have words to describe it our know what it means, but because she is human, she will turn your feelings of disappointment, disapproval, and resentment inward on herself.
She will also lose trust in you as she begins to feel the need to protect herself.
However, when we are thinking positive thoughts, seeing her in a positive light, and focusing on what we admire, appreciate, and love about her, we carry ourselves differently.
We put off a different “vibe”. We aren’t tense, or short, or disapproving in our interactions. We smile and laugh and joke and feel lighter in our being and she feels that too.
When we practice high positive regard we are more relaxed, more accepting, more loving of her. She feels that and she reacts to that.
By choosing our thoughts and exercising control over ourselves, we are indirectly influencing her and improving the chances of healing from past hurts moving forward.
Is there such a thing a “too much” high positive regard?
Absolutely! There can be too much of anything. Too much water, we drown. Too much oxygen, we get light headed and pass out.
As I mention in my response above, if we put her on a pedestal or attach our sense of well-being to her appreciation of our appreciation of her, then we can get ourselves back into resentful territory.
High positive regard is simply a tool for shifting our mindset from one of destructive negative thoughts to one of healing positive thoughts.
We are not trying to get our needs met or looking to her for a response. We aren’t trying to control her.
We are simply taking ownership of our own thoughts by choosing what we admire, appreciate, or love about her.
Are you feeling resentful, bitter, and angry toward your wife or girlfriend? Do you think you are doing a good job of hiding your feelings? Does she avoid talking to you or avoid spending time with you? Does she seem like “a different person” lately?
Then I invite you to talk with me today about turning your relationship around.
Let’s talk about how changing your mindset, letting go of resentment, and choosing what you want over what you don’t want can help you avoid the pain of separation and divorce.
If you’ve read this far, trust me, I guarantee you it’s coming without you doing something differently.
You have much more influence in your life than you think. You are not powerless.
You may think she is just being cold, unloving, and bitchy, but what if I told you that she’s protecting her heart, keeping herself safe as best she can, and wanting you to accept her, love her, and lead her.
Think I’m crazy? Let’s talk about your specific situation and then you can decide.
I have been where you are brother and I can tell you that life doesn’t have to be this way. Your relationship doesn’t have to be this way. You have options.
Much love brother,
Photo by Alex Green